Amid Gloom and Jungle (In Class, Part 2)

*The first part of this story is posted in this blog, in February.

My first reaction, I try to run away. I look around. I’m not in a cage, and the men seem distracted enough in whatever they were doing. I wonder, what did they do? Not like there is much fun around the jungle. But then, I become logical, despite the heat and impatience, I seat down. They’d kill me if I make a violent move. Where could I really go? Where the hell was I, now? They could run after me. So, contradicting my mighty self, I sit down, ashamed.

My second thought, I’m angry at the world. Anger and desperation, as I have never felt them before. The world. Ignorant little brats, who are living their daily lives, and ignoring me so. Some of them are laughing, some of them are buying a car, and all of them are happy. And I, seating here sharing my oxygen and space with bugs and God knows what else. Bugs are abusing of my sharing. I want to be with the brats.

Because, after all, I was one of them too. I had been, until a couple of hours ago. There is no reason to get angry. There is, but not at them. I think about it, and maybe, I do deserve this. There were already people here. What about them? Had you ever thought of them? Not really.
I even knew they were here. During the last years, headlines containing the word Kidnap in them had become common and not so shocking anymore. Not like I ever thought it would happen to me.

But now I am, and I don’t care admitting it, and I know I’m wrong, and I am extremely angry. Maybe at myself, too. For being risky. It wasn’t risky. It was the street I’ve been walking in for my past life, always. I didn’t know it was dangerous.

Had I been a little more convincing and hard, I guess I would’ve killed myself. I’m glad I didn’t, I now realize, sitting in the trunk. Green, green, green. The only difference is that I am alone and hungry. But it is better this way, rather than being emotionally-lonely, in danger, and a little hungry. Though now I’ve rather have clean oxygen, than rotten shared bread. It is better.

I need to plan what the hell I want to do. When I took this wise choice, and actually made it come true, I didn’t think of what I was going to do later on. What I was going to eat, or entertain myself with. It was reasonable. When you’re about to do something extremely risky—not that I would do something like that again—your mind has to be all focused. I don’t know if it’s true, that we humans use only ten percent of our brains. If it is, I know I used 10 percent point 5 percent that day, that second, that crucial moment, which would change my life back again. I believe that was the type of concentration an A plus in SATs would require.

What helped me do it, was regret. The regret I would feel deep inside me, if I didn’t do it. I would’ve end up killing myself of desperation, but then again, I would be too coward to kill myself. And so I did it.